Mystery surrounded the extraordinary discovery of Jacob Rees Mogg and Diane Abbott, bound and gagged,  in separate central London locations  this afternoon. Neither has been seen during the general election campaign, and the reason became all-too clear today. A spokesperson for Conservative central office expressed surprise at the chance discovery of Rees Mogg who was

A tub of lard was said to be furious this morning after Prime Minister Boris Johnson was replaced by a melting ice sculpture when he failed to turn up for a Channel 4 debate on climate change. The lard is understood to have written letters of complaint to both its agent and broadcasting watchdogs. A

The latest series of The Appendage, in which candidates compete for a £180,000 salary and two free houses,  reached the much anticipated interview stage this week. For most of the candidates it’s the first time they will have  come face to face with someone who knows what they’re actually talking about, and their plans come

Prime Minister Boris Johnson says that child poverty is inevitable “if the little buggers won’t work.” His comments come in the wake of a report from the Resolution Foundation saying  that child poverty risks reaching a record high under the Conservatives. “I have every sympathy for anyone in dire straits” said Boris “And I’m not

Pizza Express announced today that they have added an upper crust Pizza to their new menu to run alongside their stuffed crust range.  The new pizza is understood to have a wafer-thin base, coated in a thick oily covering. It will be topped with cheese and copious amounts of bullshit. “This is a completely new

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn was said to be furious this evening after what was described as a blatant attempt to get him to reveal what he thinks. Mr Corbyn has been careful to avoid revealing his position on a whole range of issues including immigration, Brexit and the the nuclear deterrent. But now, what close

A middle-aged man from Rotherham has announced ambitious plans to watch an entire Carol Kirkwood weather forecast without thinking about her tits, it has been revealed.  Like a lot of other men over a certain age, Ken Cocker 56, has never heard a word of the BBC weather presenters forecasts, and instead finds himself drifting

A man who drove his Range Rover through a 9″ deep puddle is now acting like he’s some kind of driving God, it has emerged. Ross Tosser, 35, from Sheffield drove his car at 3 mph through the stretch of standing water on his daily commute during yesterday’s downpour, and he’s spent all day today

Jacob Rees-Mogg has said that almost 850,000 First World War deaths could have been avoided if those involved had employed the type of common sense you get from going to a really posh school. Speaking in remembrance week, the leader of the house said that, had the soldiers simply stayed in their trenches rather than

Voters in the traditional Labour stronghold of Barnsley face an agonising choice in the upcoming General Election as they attempt to balance off their acute  dislike of foreigners with their inherent  hatred of anyone with money. It’s a dilemma which is causing mental torment throughout the community. “On the one hand I want to leave