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2017-08-20

Shock Report Reveals That Most Middle Aged Cyclists Are Closet Homosexuals


Dressed for action

It’s a conundrum that has puzzled both experts and laymen for years – why do seemingly normal middle aged men spend a large part of their free time dressed in tight Lycra while staring at other men’s bottoms? Well now a new study has revealed the answer – they are mainly closet homosexuals.

The study authors from The University Of West South Elmsall, sent out a confidential survey to over 1,000 cyclists – middle aged men in Lycra – asking a series of probing questions about their taste in clothes, music, theatre and film. “The data we got back was clear cut”, said Professor Keith Lee who headed up the study, “The number of fans of musical theatre, Kylie Minogue, Shirley Bassey, Liza Minnelli, Abba and Bet Lynch off Coronation Street was striking. Skinny jeans ownership was also off the scale. If these aren’t clear signs  of batting for the other side, I don’t know what are.”

One cyclist from Wickersley who asked not to be named said “I’m admitting to nothing, but where else would you get the chance to wear skin tight luminous Lycra shorts with a padded crotch, and cop an eyeful of muscular flexing buttock  for two hours without anyone thinking anything of it? And even being at the front of the pack and getting chased is quite a thrill. Everyone knows the score but when we stop for coffee, we talk about  cars and other manly stuff. It’s a game.”

We approached Tour De France winner Sir Bradley Wiggins for his comments,  but a spokesperson said he was away at a Judy Garland tribute weekend.

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