The organisers of the 2019 Turner Prize played their annual trick on the world’s media this morning, by announcing a shortlist made up entirely of talentless tossers and chancers. The competition, ostensibly  aims to challenge the boundaries of art, but a committee insider revealed the truth to our reporter as he watched two greased Moldovian

Actress Joan Collins was said to be ‘in a blind fury’ last night after the fire at Notre Dame cathedral upstaged the recent far smaller conflagration in her London flat. Sources close to the 85 year old say that she has spent the past two day pacing up and down while repeating “Snivelling French bastards,

The government announced two pieces of legislation this week which make it easier to get rid of your spouse than a random bloke who rented your flat last week. Completely without irony, new legislation will enable no-fault divorce for the first time, while other proposed legislation will prevent no-fault termination of tenancies. It means that

Jullian Assenge, who was forcibly removed from the Ecuadorian embassy this week where he has been holed-up since 2012, is to be extradited to Burkina Faso, it has been revealed. Many observers have expressed surprise that the Wikileaks founder is to be extradited to the land-locked west African state where he has no known affiliations

The Germans are understood to have launched a frantic search to find a new word after polls revealed that schadenfreude doesn’t even come close to expressing the sheer joy they are experiencing over Brexit. Our teutonic cousins have historically prided themselves on having a special word to express the pleasure to be had from observing

A middle aged couple staying at a country house hotel have briefly looked up from their breakfast newspapers it can be revealed. The couple, believed to be from somewhere in sodding Berkshire, were taking their fourteenth short break of the year in an attempt to fill the void left by an empty nest, a non-existent

Westminster was said to be in shock this afternoon at the news that the Prime Ministers fleece has announced plans to go solo. Speaking through its agent, the light blue fleece – which has been virtually inseparable from Mrs May in recent months – said that it was feeling stifled by the relationship, and wished

A pro-Brexit protest by lorry drivers flopped this morning as their attempt to disrupt the motorway network with slow, incompetent and inconsiderate driving failed to result in anyone noticing a difference. “I don’t get it,” said one driver who asked not to be named for fear of being rear ended by one of Eddie Stobart’s

A plane full of idiots returning from holiday, are acting all surprised that it’s colder at home than where they’ve just  been, it has emerged. The plane load of idiots, many still wearing flip flops and shorts, were ten minutes out of Manchester on a return trip from Tenerife last night when the pilot announced

The UK is officially warmer than somewhere where it’s colder today, a third-rate journalist from the Daily Express with nothing better to do has confirmed. The journalist, who can’t be named for spurious reasons, was on a break between writing stories about immigrants and benefits cheats when his rudimentary sensory system detected that the temperature