Toilet paper crisis deepens as government order recommissioning of Izal
2020-03-14
The depth of the crisis created by panic buying of toilet roll was laid bare for all to see last night, as the government announced emergency plans for the recommissioning of Izal. The news is certain to cause consternation and disturbing flashbacks amongst a demographic who became accustomed to smearing excreta across their nether regions using a substance with the absorbency qualities of a polythene bag.
A government insider told The Bugle “Although this might seem a Draconian measure, it’s a work of genius. The product is so fundamentally ill-suited to its primary purpose that nobody will want to stockpile it, and it’s so heavy that thieves won’t be arsed to steal it either. It’s not a coincidence that the introduction of Izal came at the same time as people started installing bidets. Personally I’ve got a drawer full of old socks I’ll be working through before resorting to Izal.”
The move is certain to have knock-on effects, and the government seem aware of that. “The skid mark has largely died out over the past 25 years but this is bound to bring it back with a vengeance.” our insider confided “Well be issuing emergency stain removal advice to a whole new generation of consumers.”
The Bugle understands that the recommissioning is a fairly straightforward process involving shifting over production of greaseproof paper, which has boomed in recent years in the wake of the popularity of The Great British Bake Off.
