Fettle Secures Shock Election Victory!
2016-11-12
In a dramatic and historic night last Tuesday, local offal magnate Norman Fettle swept to an unexpected victory in the Rotherham mayoral election, defeating favourite Irene Baker in the process.
Regular readers will recall that it has been a hard and bitter campaign, with allegations and counter allegations flying back and forth, but when the votes were counted on Wednesday morning Fettle was the new mayor having taken the key areas of Dalton and Sunnyside.
A clearly shocked Fettle could be clearly heard muttering. “We weren’t supposed to win, I’ve promised all sorts of bollocks. What the **** do I do now?” to his campaign manager Barry Scuttle when the result was announced. An ashen faced Scuttle shrugged his shoulders and walked away leaving Fettle on stage at the civic theatre to face a crowd of supporters.
In his victory speech, Fettle made no mention of the wall he’d promised to keep Deedars out, the arrest of Irene Baker he’d promised for illegal use of the council email sever to do her big shop, or anything else of any consequence. He was joined on stage by a group of female supporters known locally as the Fettlettes, all wearing t shirts carrying the slogan “We’ve been Fettled!”
Later in the day there was an awkward meeting at the town hall with the outgoing mayor, Roger Walker who Fettle had denounced in the campaign as not being qualified for office, accusing him of being born in Dinnington, “ which hasn’t even got a Rotherham phone number”. The two men exchanged a polite handshake but their body language suggested they’d rather have their arse holes super glued shut than spend any more time together than was necessary.
The announcement of the result was followed by two days of protests on the streets of Rotherham, involving people who had clearly misunderstood how democracy works. Meanwhile security was beefed up at Cow Heel Hall, where Fettle lives following fears that it may become a target for a dirty bomb constructed using tripe and bag that had gone off, stolen from the bins round the back of one of Fettles own factories.
Norman Fettle takes up office in January, and we will be watching developments with interest.
