As temperatures look set to soar in to the high teens this weekend, Rotherham women are preparing themselves for a visual treat as local men from Thurcroft to Thurnscoe whip off their shirts and display their pub-ready bodies for the first time this year. The borough looks set to be awash with pale sweaty male flesh on the streets, in shops and outside pubs and clubs – and most local lasses can hardly wait.
“This is my favourite time of year”. said one local woman who asked not to be named. “There’s no finer site than a group of flabby, heavily tattooed blokes sat on a pub wall drinking John Smiths with their moobs out. If you sneak round the back of them you can sometimes cop a full set of arse cracks as well.”
It’s a display that you don’t tend to see in the rest of Europe and when we spoke to Professor Gino Rossi from the University of Milan he expressed surprise when we told him about this local phenomenon “it is a lot hotter here in Italy,” he told us, “and yet our men tend to wear a cool linen shirt and chino shorts. This is much more effective in regulating temperature than having hot sun on bare skin. Do your people have shit for brains?”
“Linen shirts? Sod that,” said Sandra Turvey from Parkgate when we spoke to her as she eyed up a group of bare chested middle aged men changing some brake calipers on an old Sierra in Rawmarsh, “The combination of a pink blotchy back, a beer gut and overgrown sweat-matted body hair is a heady cocktail. I’m putty in their hands.”
It seems she might be right. Official figures for the past 10 years show a spike in birth rates in the borough nine months after the first decent weekend’s weather, with most of the children being named after pop stars, soap characters and popular luxury fashion brands.