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The Rotherham Bugle

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2017-12-12

Man With One Leg Wins Arse Kicking Contest


The Swollen Ball as it's known by competitors

The Swollen Ball as it’s known by competitors

A one legged man has confounded the critics and doubters by taking first place in an arse kicking contest.

John Silver from Upper Haugh  had never done any competitive arse kicking until he lost his lower leg in a freak shark attack off the coast of Goole  two years ago.  But in a thrilling final  ‘boot-off’ against defending champion Colin Crease from Greasborough, who has a full set of limbs, he took gold in Rotherham Kicks Ass 2016, held in the  unlikely setting of the beer garden round the back of The Golden Ball pub in Whiston.

“I’ve proved them all wrong” said an elated John “Many people mistakenly believe that an arse kicking contest is an imaginary  construct, invented for the sole purpose of describing an ineffective person in a humorous manner by reference to the absence of one of the key limbs necessary to compete effectively. But it’s not. It’s serious sport.”

John says that those who previously underestimated his chances of being successful were ignorant of the cutting edge technology. “Certainly in the old days you’d have sod all chance “ he mused “but a modern prosthetic is almost as good as a real leg, plus it hurts like **** if you catch ’em right up the jacksie with it”

John, who runs a small business making chocolate tea pots,  hopes that his success will inspire more one legged men to enter arse kicking contests. “I want to do for arse kicking what that Pistorious bloke did for running” he said “before he started shooting folk and that.”