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Town Centre Café To Close After Attracting Just Two Customers

A town centre vegetarian wholefood freetrade café looks set to close after attracting just two customers in its first month.

The Green Carrot on High Street was started by Guy Fortesque-Brown and his girlfriend Tabatha Forbes who moved to the area last year from trendy  Shoreditch  east London for a bet. The restaurant uses only vegetable based wholefood organic ingredients, procured from sustainable sources.

“It’s been a disaster” Guy told us while wiping dust off the tables. “We’ve had just two people in all month and that was a confused elderly couple who were looking for the chemist. They decided to stay for a cup of Venezuailan freetrade coffee, but they didn’t finish it. The woman said it was alright but not a patch on Birds. I don’t even know what Birds is.”

Geoff Twaddle from Wingfield summed up the feelings of a number of local shoppers we spoke to about The Green Carrott. “It looks a dump,”‘he told us. “None of the furniture matches and they haven’t even plastered it out properly. That pair that run it look like they’ve been sleeping rough and need a good wash. And they’ve got nowt you’d want to eat. There’s a  Wetherspoons round the corner. It’s a joke.”

Ken Ball from the Rotherham chamber of commerce had a particularly frank assessment of the couples business plan. “They’re a pair a of soft as shite southern hipsters” he told us “The place caters for arty farty middle class yoghurt knitter types. Look around you – there aren’t any. You might find a few in Moorgate or Wickersley, but they’d rather have their bollocks plucked bare than come and eat in the town centre.”

Despite the setback, Guy and Tabatha haven’t given up on setting up a successful business in the town. “We’re going to turn it into a vintage clothing store specialising in 1980’s retro gear.” said Guy,. Ken Ball from the Chamber Of Commerce isn’t convinced this will be any more successful. “Christ on a bike,” he said  “Retro? Have they looked at what people are wearing round here? At least they’ll not be short of stock – if they can get the buggers to part with it.”

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