There was disappointment for once-a-year punters this morning as it emerged that Lester Piggott will not be riding in today’s Aintree Grand National for the 171st year in succession. His absence has been put down to the fact that he was a flat jockey, retired in 1985 and is now 82 years of age.

A Hither Green florist purchased a new delivery van yesterday after what turned out to be record April sales. The florist, who asked not to be named told the Bugle “I don’t know what the hell happened. It’s usually a bit quiet after Mothers Day. But it’s gone ballistic.  We get quite a bit of

Parents were up in arms last night after Arsenal launched their new home ‘Wenger Out’ banner for the 2018-19 season. It’s the eighth home banner in as many seasons, and the twenty seventh all told, if you include versions for all competitions. “It’s an outrage,” said Tony Cockney  from some God-forsaken shithole in North London

A clearly furious Theresa May was overheard threatening to defecate in the handbag of Prince Harry’s fiancé Meghan Markel last night, after the row over the royal wedding invitations escalated. Mrs May was said to be apoplectic after discovering that she’s not even invited to the night do. A Number 10 insider said “Who doesn’t

  Despite her presenting the weather on ITV for several years now, the world is no closer to finding a heterosexual man who has heard a single word of a Lucy Verasamy weather forecast this morning. As far as most male viewers are concerned, she might just as well be reciting nursery rhymes or extracts

  A Rotherham man has been asked to explain himself after a ‘One Life Live It’ sticker was spotted in the back of a beige 2002 Vauxhall Zafira parked outside Home Bargains last Saturday afternoon. The sticker, often seen as a clarion call to live life to the max and follow a full-on, care free

  Jeremy Corbyn was said to be inconsoleable tonight as it was revealed that The Office star Mackenzie Crook has beaten him to the role of Worzel Gummidge, a character made famous by Jon Pertwee in the late 70’s, and set to be reprised. For younger readers, Worzel Gummidge is a mischievous scarecrow who  can come

  Rotherham Borough Council has come up with an ingenious scheme which they say will save at least £100,000 a year.  Instead of repairing potholes in the road using tarmac, they simply paint a white circle around them and then piss off again. A spokesperson for the council department which claims to have come up

In an event concocted purely so that a second rate online reporter was able to squeeze out a dodgy pun,  a pensioner who forgot to buy Muesli has apparently been diagnosed with Alpenzheimer’s disease. Details are sketchy at this time, as might be expected under the circumstances. Sheridan Weaselback, chief reporter at The Rotherham Bugle

  The case of a 78 year old pensioner who stabbed a burglar to death in his home this week, has led gobshites up and down the country into an unseemly competition to claim the most grizzly thing they’d do to an intruder. All are agreed on one thing – that they would tackle the