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The Rotherham Bugle

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2018-02-23

New Home Cinema System Comes With Annoying Twats Accessory Package.


 

The evolution of home cinema took an extra leap forward this week with the release of a new system package which takes realism to a whole new level. We’ve all become accustomed to home cinema, which faithfully replicates the video and audio quality of a real-life cinema experience, but the new system, from ActualReality Ltd, goes one step further to include the whole ancillary environment.

Once installed, the system will strategically deposit popcorn, fast food sauces and sticky soft drink residue, in and around the viewing area, including the all-important seats. Immediate viewing of the film is replaced by a twenty-minute dead-zone period, padded out by endless adverts you’d normally skip through if they were on TV, and trailers for other films you’d only watch if someone nailed you to the chair and backed up the level of restraint with Superglue.

But the big breakthrough comes with the optional annoying twat accessory package.  For a small additional fee, you have a choice of fat twats who spill over into your seat, annoying twats who talk the whole way through the film, or totally inconsiderate twats who spend the entire film slurping and  munching their way through stinking fast food shite you wouldn’t feed to someone else’s dog.

An annoying twat with body odour, halitosis and flatulence option is rumoured to be in the early stages of development and expected to be available next year.

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