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The Rotherham Bugle

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2018-02-23

Woman Leaves Shop Empty Handed After Failing To Find Valentines Card That Accurately Conveys Bitter Contempt For Husband


 

A Rotherham woman was left disappointed this afternoon after shopping for a Valentines card, but failing to find one with a message which truly reflects the way she really feels about her husband

Mandy Pumps, 47, from Rawmarsh says she was looking for a card that conveyed a combination of contempt and apathy mixed with periodic bursts of anger, disappointment, and seething resentment, but there was nothing that fitted the bill. “It was all lovey-dovey shit. “she told us “Nothing for people who’ve been married for ever and are barely tolerating each other. I think they’re missing a  big gap in the market.”

Mandy’s husband, Jim, agrees “I tried to find a card for our old lass and there was nothing suitable,” he said “just sickly garbage about how wonderful and beautiful she is. I can’t send that. Last year I bought a blank card and put ‘You’re twice the woman I married’ in it. She knew what I was getting at but couldn’t prove it. She didn’t talk to me for a week, which was a bonus.”

As the Bugle went to press, neither Mandy nor Jim had bought a card and were instead planning to mark the day by suspending hostilities and drawing up a legally-binding hoovering rota.

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