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The Rotherham Bugle

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2018-01-22

Virgin Passengers Forced To Make Up Their Own Bollocks As Company Stop Selling The Mail


There was anger and disappointment amongst racist homophobic bigots last night after Virgin announced it would no longer be selling the Daily Mail on company trains. Roger Rogers, a sales manager from Rochester spoke for many Mail readers we encountered on station platforms this morning.

“It’s a thoroughly bad decision,” he said “Where am I going to find out about sneaky immigrants, deviant homosexuals and evil benefit cheats now? And how will I know when we’re about to have weather that’s hotter or colder than somewhere else that’s usually hotter or colder…or 35 things that will give me Alzheimer’s and rot my testicles from the inside,  simultaneously? This is life-enhancing, critical information they’re depriving us of.”

A spokesperson for Virgin confirmed that the company would no longer be selling the paper because it was incompatible with their values and beliefs. When pressed to say which beliefs he was referring to, he said “The belief that a newspaper should include some stuff that’s actually happened rather than shit you made up after a few pints at lunchtime  to get idiots into a lather,”

The Bugle is grateful he didn’t include shit you’ve made up after a few pints to make people laugh, but as we went to press, there were still no plans to make the Rotherham Bugle available on Virgin trains.

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