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The Rotherham Bugle

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2017-12-12

Research Brings Weight Loss Breakthrough For Rotherham Women


Fit?

Sports Scientists have made a breakthrough discovery that is set to revolutionise the way local women control their weight. The research, at the university of Central Rawmarsh, has revealed that walking at a snail’s pace  while pumping your arms like a demented clockwork robot and talking shite to your mate Sharon, is not an effective method of losing weight. This will come as a major disappointment to many Rotherham women who can be seen employing the technique on a daily basis throughout the borough.

Even more disappointingly, the researchers discovered that wearing skin tight leggings,  tying a hoodie round your waist,  and then stuffing your face with a slice of cake afterwards as a ‘reward’, do nothing to enhance the effectiveness of the activity.

Professor Marcus Johnson-Brown from Canklow who headed up the research team said “It appears that these women are making tits of themselves in public for no good purpose. Let’s be honest, most of them look like two lads fighting under a blanket from the back, so they’d be doing us all a favour by knocking it on the head”.

Referencing the svelte figures of women in the 1950’s, Professor Johnson-Brown recommends a strict regime of enthusiastic vacuuming, vigorous ironing and getting the tea on the table for six on the dot, for Rotherham women trying to get in shape